Lost

My apologies to those of you out there who actually read this blog-if there are any readers who aren't spammers, lol. Been meaning to update for such a long time, and I look at my stats with shame after seeing my last post date. I've had a lot going on in my life these past few months, and thought I'd better try and come up with posts that aren't my bitching about the state of the world. Unfortunately, that hasn't worked too well, and I don't even have the heart to write bitching posts anymore. As a result, I'll now go down the depressing route ans break the drought with a post that bitches about myself.

I don't recall ever feeling so alone in my life. In the past, I could always find something to keep me going-usually a form of innocence/stupidity that comes from being young and not having experienced the world. I've now experienced the world, and don't know how much more I can take.

My life appears to be nothing but a series of vicious circles, and I am a walking contradiction. Life would be wonderful, or at least worth living, if I could get my shit together, but I will be unable to find a reason to keep going until my head is in the right place. Awesome. My life is so full of circles that I can't even explain them anymore. Anyway. In a more understandable explanation, I won't feel remotely worthwhile until I have a reason to live, and I won't have a reason to live until I'm worthwhile, or at least somebody that people don't run screaming in droves to avoid.

At this point in my life, I would say that I have two "real" friends-one of whom has a life, and one who I have never met. For various reasons, largely my persistent inferiority complex, I have no social circle, and no social circle seems keen to have me. I have been dumped twice in a four-month period, the last time primarily because of who I am. I have a large family, but am completely unaware that any of them want anything to do with me until I find out days, if not weeks, later, from my mother.

In addition to this isolation, I also have no purpose. I left my job two weeks ago, for reasons I can't be bothered going into. I have no career aspirations and no hobbies. Most importantly, I can't feel. I don't know what it's like to truly feel anything other than pain and loneliness. I don't know what it feels like to want anything, or what it's like to be truly happy. I question everything and everyone in my "life", and with everything I've explained, the answer is no longer "Their loss". These days, the answer is "I suck. I am a true failure as a person. If I was somebody truly worth knowing, with as much potential as people have previously claimed, I'd have something to show for it. Instead, both people and goals elude me, and I'm the common factor".

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm alone and useless-living in shitsville, with nothing to do but curl up in bed and think, cry and watch the Simpsons approximately five hundred times in a row. I just want this to stop. I want the pain and numbness to go away, and with every day that goes by, that looks less and less likely. If there is a higher power, perhaps they could enlighten me: why the fuck am I still here?